I am trying to write everyday. but without a computer it seems to be difficult. Today I had a beautiful day. I love being by myself. I woke up early and went to get a cup of coffee and read poetry. Although I wouldn't necessarily consider myself a poet, I do think I live a beautifully poetic life, or maybe I just view my life poetically. Anyway sometimes I am struck by the differences in people in different locations. Traveling around the states different people in different areas of the United States have different ways of interacting with each other and the world. In Alabama they have Southern hospitality, they will feed you, say hello, and if they're going to insult you, they do it beautifully. Why bless her little heart, it's not her fault she's giving away the milk for free, don't we all remember what her mother was like? (Scandal) In Chicago everyone I met was friendly and inclusive. It was a city mainly of implants from elsewhere and people, remembering what it was like to be the new kid on the block, made an effort to include me. I didn't have to prove myself first to be someone's friend; they allowed me into their life tentatively and let me prove myself through involvement. In Colorado people were more outdoorsy and where I lived they were two extreme opposites of each other. People were either Gawd-fearin' right wing Republicans, or hippie anti right wing lefters. In New Mexico there is forever the manana attitude, don't do anything today or right now that you can do later ;) This drives my dad crazy as he was raised as a military brat and punctuality is next to....? Even within the cities I have lived in the neighborhoods house different groups of people who choose to portray themselves a certain way. Today, in a different neighborhood then my own my reverie was interrupted as this woman seemed insistent on greeting me with a hello. :)

I was reading Niki Giovanni.  The passion she feels in life and love touches my soul. "There are so many new mistakes for a lady of pleasure that can be made it shouldn't be necessary to repeat the old ones" "Show me someone not full of herself and i'll show you a hungry person" I love how she folds language around her ideas, simply, beautifully. So often I read her poetry and I know that I am not special, that I have felt what she has written, and so have so many others. I feel like I am living the life of poetry to feel these things and think these things that I am reading.

Reading her makes me want to write. I feel inspired, poetic, and beautiful...what a way to spend a Saturday.

How I love.

I am not one who loves linearly.

I love in the moment and I love fully, but my future does not exist yet, and therefore in my future I have no love. I still need to create it and feel it. In my present I project our love into my future, but it is as delicate as a spider's web; strong for its purpose but easily swept away by an unanticipated rain. I want to write this because I can not tell you this, so I write it to put it out into the universe. I will not break our hearts unless it becomes necessary, but I will not promise that it won't happen. I have broken my heart before. Ripped it atrophied, yet still beating out of someone else's chest and shoved it back into myself. It was in too much shock to love even me for a while. I hated myself for hurting him, I loved him, but my survival instinct is too deep for any romantic interest to over rule it. When my self was threatened I did what any animal would do. I sacrificed a part for my whole. I fought and gnashed my teeth and ripped it out of the lion that had hosted my heart. I was too much of a compliant lamb to look ahead to where I was being lead. Too young to know myself and the meanings of my gifts.

I love thoughtfully.

Before I could love you I thought about you. I thought about what kind of a man you are, and how you present yourself to the world, and how the world views you back. I thought about the sides of yourself you have only shown me. I develop a cohesive three dimensional view of people before I can decide if I love them, but in the end, with all that thought. I love animalistically with feeling. My intuition reacts to you and then as time goes on my reason understands it.

I love sensually and singularly.

When I love someone I love the five aspects of themselves. I could write pages full of my love of your ever changing scent, touch, taste, sight, sound. You are so three dimensionally in my life and memory that even when you are not there I can easily recall you, how you make me feel, and what we are together. That is why no one else will do. No one else can fulfill the multi-layered desire I have for you. My want for you consumes me, and I know anyone else would be a paltry shadow and could never satisfy the wants I have, as only you could satisfy that for me now.

I am not scared of breaking my own heart, but I am scared you might. I am also scared I might break yours, yet for this beautiful present we are in together I am willing to take the risk.