3 ring circus

Being in a relationship is such a roller coaster for me.  My head can be crazy.  There are those moments when my partner is so perfect, so kind, so giving, so sweet to me, that I know beyond doubt that he has nothing but good intentions towards me.  In these moments I see the pureness, and vulnerability in his heart and I am blown away that I, of all humans, have been entrusted with his gift.  I try to remember these moments, because there are also moments where I get off from a fucking ten hour shift and the fucking sick is full of dishes a-mutha-fuckin-gain, and he is (adorably) watching a movie.  I know he also worked, but fuck if only I didn't care that the sink was full of dishes and I could just let it go, but I know if I don't do the fucking dishes then in the morning I will wake up to the offending sight and I will have to calm down again, so I do it, and it's a mental circus.  The trapeze artist says "he's just doing it to piss you off", the lion tamer comes up with angry retorts, manipulations to warp this wonderful man into my willing slave  Yes, I can make him think it's his idea and that it's a good idea if I just do or say this.  I have finally become the ringmaster in my head, so I work on staying present.  Right now I am breathing, my right arm is reaching to grab the plate and my left hand is scrubbing it, clockwise, now counterclockwise.  Can I feel a difference in the different directions?  The water feels nice.  I relax into the sound and feel of moving warm water.  Mmmm I bought myself dish soap that I liked for these moments; lavender, yes I do love this smell.  I have not "won" a battle here.  I have managed to focus on something else.  Because at the end of the day I know he's not trying to hurt me, and I am 100% responsible for myself, so if only the circus extravaganza in my head would get in line under new management.  It is a daily struggle for me, a daily battle.  I have been in relationships with men child.  I have wanted to control and mother said men child.  The demons from my past haunt me.  I still carry wisps of anger and fear from past relationships.  They show up in an over-reaction.  Like on a night before this one where I literally screeched at the man I love because the house was messy, and doesn't he know I work hard too, and like it's all my fucking responsibility...I just can't fucking do this again.  Old relationship wounds carved daily into my heart like Anna, this girl I went to middle school with who carved "punk rock" into her skin everyday with a safety pin.  Watching the scab open and bleed let me know lunch was over; time to get back to work.  Same with this.  When I find myself in these moments of insanity, of craziness I remind myself that it is time to get back to work, and sometimes I honestly miss being so unaware that it was all "his" (there were multiple "his") fault.  Because work is work, but in the end it has made me into the kind of woman who can have a relationship with this beautiful, vulnerable, wonderful, handsome man creature, who couldn't give less of a fuck if there are a few dishes in the sink.